


Wherever He Is

by Theawkwardbibliophile



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe, Character Death, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25877029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theawkwardbibliophile/pseuds/Theawkwardbibliophile
Summary: An alternative ending, if Simon Snow did what he was supposed to do.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 16
Kudos: 49





	Wherever He Is

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for beta-ing this [ foolofabookwyrm](http://foolofabookwyrm.tumblr.com) and  
> [ sharing-a-room-with-an-open-fire](http://sharing-a-room-with-an-open-fire.tumblr.com) for all your help with this and for being amazing friends.

I’ve been waiting for twenty years.

To see you.

To hold you.

To at last tell you everything my heart has been holding onto.

Yet, I am not sure if you will come to  _ me _

The one you loved, the one you gave your life to.

The one you  _ saved. _

The war ended, we defeated the Humdrum. I gave up my magic and we brought down the Old Families. The Pitches accepted defeat when I killed their Heir.

_ I killed Baz. _

When the time came, the Mage told me how I needed to end the heir of the House of Pitch so that the Old Families would not be able to rise to power again.  So that the Mage’s reforms would be complete. So that  _ everyone _ could use magic.  It seemed like the right thing to do. The thing I was born to do.  And of course, I did it.

I saw the look on Baz’s face when it happened. When I did it.

The soft greys eyes that looked at me. His hair a disheveled mess, he still managed to look as beautiful and elegant as ever.  A smile hanging off the corner of his lips. He didn't look hurt. He didn't look worried. He looked like he finally got what he wanted. He looked content,  _ happy. _

I realized what it meant at that moment, all his action, all the looks, what every little thing about him meant to me.  Every single fight. Every single sneer directed towards me. Every single night falling asleep to his breathing.  Baz wasn't my nemesis. He didn't hate me. I misread every little thing about Baz up until now. He didn't put up a fight with me, because he was  _ in love _ with me.  He could have finished me, slain me then and there. 

_ Heir Of House Pitch defeats the _ **_Chosen One_ ** _ in glorious victory.  _

So at first I was stunned when I saw the defeat in his eyes all though he had the upper hand. Baz gave it up despite the fact that he could've had it all.  Everything happened so fast.  There was fire and then he was gone.

_ I didn't mean for it to end in flames. _

He disappeared without a trace. There was close to nothing left that proved Baz ever existed.

It came to me slowly. With each passing day came new revelations. What everything meant. 

_ How much everything meant. _

My memory could contain nothing but him.  I wanted to go to him. _ Touch _ him. _ Hug _ him.  _ Kiss _ him.  Scream at him. Make him fight me. I wanted to save him.  Save him from me.  Baz let me win the battle. He was always preparing himself for this day, because he knew he didn't have it in him to kill me. I slowly realised that he has probably been in love with me since we were fifteen, when he stopped tormenting me. Baz  _ chose _ to die.

Days became years.  I didn't know what to do when I was left alone. After all, life before the war always revolved around  _ him.  _ Following him, stalking him, arguing with him, looking at him, falling asleep to his breathing.

_ Him. Him. Him. _

His hair. His scent. 

Some days I came close to stopping everything. Ending it all. To finally go wherever he was if that was possible. If he was somewhere. But I knew I couldn't. I had to wait for him to come through the veil. I believe Baz has a soul, even though he always claimed that he lost his soul the day he lost his mother. I’ve spent enough years around him to know that he was alive, not just existing. I want him to tell me everything. I want to listen to his voice. I want him to tell me himself. And I want to beg for forgiveness.  I want to hold him.  I want him to hold me.

And I’ll have to keep carrying on until I can be with him again.

So I waited. For twenty years. For Baz.  It could happen anytime now. 

The Veil has been lifting.  I hope he comes to me. Though that is not something I can hold onto. The veil is lifted once every twenty years, the souls come to people they love. Even though Baz loved me, it doesn't mean that he would visit me. I feel that Baz might choose to visit his aunt or his family.  But what is a little less hope?

After all, he loved me through everything.

On the first night, I don't see anything. Just fog and something misty. But I know it's him. I know he's trying to come through. I know he's coming to me.

On the second night, I felt something cold beside me. Something whispering my name but not getting through.  I felt that coolness all night long.

I know today is going to be the night.  Today is finally time for us to meet.

At first, all I see is the fog. Then slowly a figure is appearing. 

“Baz,” I call out.

He’s wearing the same clothes he had on when he perished. A dark green suit. With a bit of silver and a blood-pink tie. He looks exactly like he did that day. I remember every single thing about it. I've been living the same day over and over in my head for the last 20 years. I smile despite myself. Baz wore a suit the day he went to war. 

"Simon. Simon" 

His breath comes out heavy. Like he’s too tired. 

“Baz... Baz you're here.” The cold engulfs me. There’s nothing but chillness around me.

“Where else would I be, Simon?” I hear a hint of a smile in his voice.

He's there in front of me. 

Baz. _My Baz._

I look up at his face. He's smiling at me. He's smiling at me with all the love I've never felt directed at me from anyone else. 

“Why did you do that Baz? Why didn't you tell me?” 

“Simon. It's what I had to do.”

I can't stop the tears falling. My name. On his lips.

“Simon.” He’s finally calling me by my name. And I don't want it to stop.

“Tell me Baz,” I beg him. “I've waited so long to hear you tell me.”

His eyes look as grey as ever, staring right back at mine with so much intensity, that I fear it would break me, yet I don't look away.  I feel his hands touch my face. Cold exactly how I imagined them to be. I lean into him.  I close my eyes as I feel his cold lips brush against mine, gently. The tears are falling freely now. I can’t help it.

_ “Baz,”  _ I whimper out a breath. 

**_“I love you, Simon.”_ ** I feel his magic and his lips brush against my cheek .  **_“I have wanted to do this since I was twelve.”_ ** He lets out with a sad hint in his voice.

When I open my eyes he's already gone. 

_ “I love you, Baz,”  _ I whisper to the now empty room.

I got what I wanted- to see him. I received what I deserved- every single day without Baz, has been like falling in love with a war, filled with agony and pain. Slowly realizing how much I was in love with Baz and knowing that I can't do anything about it. I know now without a shadow of a doubt that Baz has a soul. I always knew he did. Even when he didn't believe so himself.  Now I just need to tell him that I love him. I want to join him in spending eternity together. And I’m ready to go wherever he is.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. You can find me on tumblr  
> [ anawkwardbibliophile ](https://anawkwardbibliophile.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
